The bad mom story

Ok guys.

These kids are driving me insane. Like someone pooped on my floor for the third time in the last week insane.

I’m really trying to see some bright spots today, but in all seriousness my mind is locked in on the last 2-3 hour battle with our lovely children over everything that comes with dinner and bed time.

I find myself overwhelmed with anger and not the validated kind either.

I mean the anger that makes you want to literally pull your own hair out.

We don’t nap anymore, we don’t want to sleep and this momma is done fighting.

It’s moments like these that I tend to slip back to a mindset my therapist calls the bad mom story.

Let me explain:

“My children had to listen to me lose my cool for the last however long as I seriously put every child to bed a minimum of 5 times. This makes me a bad mom.”

“I can’t get my children to take naps even when we are all emotionally exhausted around 12pm unless we are in the car. Today when I tried that the bigger boys called me a butt and told me they hated me. I must be a bad mom.”

“When I took the giant hoard of children, by myself, to the museum today after our attempt at car naps (Mr. Misadventure works tonight) I got emotionally fried by the amount of people there and the laughter that followed us everywhere we went with our full double stroller and a 4yo on each side. Bad mom for sure.”

“When I had both sets buddy up, my 4yo bio and my 4yo foster son let go of each other and there was a good 6 minutes where I couldn’t find bio 4. Thankfully a kind couple found him and had him sit beside them as I rushed (ha.) the 3 other children to the last place I saw him running. There was an older lady with them that made sure to tell me not to forget my other two as we all walked off and they followed behind the olders. Clearly bad mom territory.”

Hopefully you get the idea.

And before anyone starts their “oh you have your hands full” or “I’m so sorry hun” or even “it’s just a bad day tomorrow will be better.” Let me express that this wasn’t even our worst day this week… or month (see my last post).

This is just a normal day.

A normal day with 2 boys that only get to see their parents an hour each a week. A normal day with my bio children who miss their mommy being all theirs. A normal day with an exhausted pair of parents and 4 children screaming for love and attention that they all deserve.

And let me tell you, I’m never going to be able to give them 100% of what they need. No one can. Even if we just had our bio boy4 and bio girl2 I wouldn’t be 100% of what they need.

Being a mom, a foster mom, a friend. A wife, and a daughter has taught me probably the most important thing I’ve learned in life. God did not put me or anyone else on this earth to be any one persons everything. He put me here to point them to the one person who can be and is if they want him.

So sure today kinda sucked in some places.

But, when bio4 got separated he went to an adult and told them he needed to sit and wait for his mommy, Mrs. Amanda, because she “will find me if I stay still.”

When everyone was laughing at the giant group of kids, I overheard someone saying how cute they were buddying up with their siblings.

When we were in the car letting the littles sleep on the way to the museum I got to talk to my 18 yo little sister who is growing up way too fast and just amazes me at all she has accomplished.

And finally even though I lost my cool tonight and got super flustered each one of my children bio and non told me they loved me and couldn’t wait to see me in the morning when they woke up.

So sure, I may not be the worlds greatest mom, wife, sister or whatever else I am. But at the end of the day I know who to go to and cast my burdens on. So maybe tomorrow won’t be so bad.

Come to me all who are weary and loaded down with burdens, and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28

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The Great EGG-tastrophe of 2018

I. AM. TIRED.

Everyone keeps asking how I am and that is the only phrase that comes to mind anymore. I don’t want to lie and say I am “fine” or that “I have moments where I seriously contemplate how I got to this place” (Like seriously, this place… where am I???)

Fostering has been on my heart for years and years… I first thought I just wanted to be a mom and have tons of children. I honestly told my husband (who was just my boyfriend at the time) that he should know what he was getting into. I KNEW God placed a big family on my heart.

It is sort of funny, how we got to this place. We had our first son and about 8 months in I decided I didn’t think I had interpreted God’s plan correctly. I mean, this kid was A HANDFUL (still is, but it is our normal and we love it). G Misadventure was talking at 6 months, walking at 9, and running circles around me in blatant intelligence and speed by around eh… 12 months?

So when Mr. Misadventure said flat out that he wanted, and longed for another child I was like well let’s get it over with because I am pretty sure we will change our minds as soon as G. wakes up…

A. Misadventure is equally intelligent in so many different ways than her brother. One example is she is she can be insanely sneaky and a downright booger… Remember? She is Princess Sass. She thinks she can get away with anything because she will legit spit in our faces if we dont give her what she wants. Now, she doesnt usually get her way because that strong will is nothing compared to mine, but that doesnt stop her from getting herself and often others into trouble.

So, we have G., A., J., V., our children. G-4 J-4 V-2 A-2 Respectively.  As stated in my previous blog post I shared we had just recently gotten our foster boys J and V. It has been over a month now and aside from: No one sleeping through the night, 2 potty training toddlers, an insane amount of appointments, and a few mishaps along the way, we are doing really well!

Our agency, taught us to always look at things as strengths and needs vs. what we are doing well at and what we are failing at miserably.

You probably are wondering why I gave all this pre story and tired of reading by now. I get it. But trust me. You will understand.

In the last 72 hours the following things have happened:

ENT Apt where we learned that one child (v) has an ear infection and another (g) has fluid in his ear, but not an infection (that was a lie guys. see below.)

Urgent care apt 24 hours after ENT for G. Who has probably the worse ear infection the dr has ever seen. Per her words.

Follow up apt for J and V where we learn V STILL has an ear infection and, get this, J has a DOUBLE ear infection.

Keep count yall that is 3/4 with infections and 4/6 ears.

A wakes up with fever and says ear hurts.

Yup. 4/4 kids with ear infections.

NOT DONE.

J, while refusing to get in bed at nap time, is playing on his ladder and THUMP.

One ambulance ride and 2 staples later we are ready to get checked out of the hospital. Nurse says maybe an hour? Call Mr. Misadventure to pick up J and me in 1 hour.

Mr. Misadventure falls asleep and leaves us stranded at hospital an hour after discharge.

Insert unhappy wife above.

Husband in dog house leaves unhappy wife with 4 kids with ear infections, one of which has A DOUBLE EAR INFECTION AND STAPLES ON HIS HEAD.

Unhappy wife gets no sleep because all children are up at different points and decide 4:30am is wake up time.

So when I said at the beginning that I. AM. TIRED. is all that comes to mind when asked how I am that is why. Also remember that this time I am supposed to be sleeping, Mr. Misadventure is working his night shift job and will come home in the morning and NEED to sleep.

Fastforward to after lunch when naptime is a bust. We try to have all the kids sit on the sofa and cuddle while we binge some Disney Jr.

The last thing I remember before I passed out in exhaustion was being cuddled by all 4 kids, while my husband got some much needed extra rest on the couch beside me.

AND THEN…

Insert tons of frustrated “yelling” (not really yelling because my teddy bear of a husband just kinda raises his voice, definitely not a yell).

I look to my left and right and find none of our kiddos and realize I drifted off for MAYBE 10 minutes.

I run to the back of the house and find my ENTIRE fridge thrown accross A’s room.

I mean, half a gallon of soy sauce poured on the floor, mixed with an entire container of coffee creamer, a full gallon of milk poured and mixed with those, topped with cheese.

AND FINALLY: Someone decided it would be fun to take the butter tub and eggs out of the fridge and pelt them all. over. the. walls.

It took HOURS. 5 hours, to clean up the mess. All the while with 4 napless, sick, and injured children.

Guys. I bawled. This mess was worse than anything I have ever seen in my life. Ive helped my mom clean evicted apartments, this was worse.

The entire time we (Mr. Misadventure called work and let them know the above happened and he would be late because he is an epic husband and dad) were cleaning I have had one song in my head, one verse has been constantly reverberating in my mind.

You are a fortress for the weak
The strength that carries me
When I am on my knees
The cross reminds my heart to trust
Your faithfulness and love
Will always be enough

 

Some mountains are mountains of laundry, some tomorrow’s bring hard times you never thought would come your way. Some waters aren’t meant to be parted and some answers are not for us to be known.

Even when life gets insane, even when children throw eggs all over a room you just cleaned.

Even when you feel like you are doing absolutely every single thing you can to be the best Mom  for the children in your care, and you still feel like your needs outweigh your strengths.

Remember, Trust in the one that never fails, the one who makes the important things clean inside of you while you get the superficial things cleaned around you.

He can even help you get through your own “Egg-tastrophe”.

And remember, even when things are hard and you are tired He can give you a rest and peace no one and nothing else in this life can.

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.”

Joshua 1:9

 

 

 

I’M BACK.

Y’ALL.

I haven’t posted on here in like three years, but I need the outlet, so welcome back.

If you read before, awesome. If you haven’t and you just happened upon this lovely bucket of mishap, I apologize.

SO GUYS. Let me esplain. No, that will take too long. Lemme sum up.

ME: Mom of 2 bio and 2 current foster sons as well as a plethora of animals that will come up eventually, but species include: dogs (3), cats (3), goats (4), chickens (4), evil rooster (1). OH and wife to Mr. Misadventure. Poor guy had no clue what he was getting into (OR he did and is a psychopath…)

Mr. Misadventure: Husband of almost 6 years. Together since high school, married YOUNG because we were/still are head over heels in love with each other.

Mister Mis: Bio son (4) HUGE for age with a brain that totally follows his physique.

Missy Mis (SEE ALSO SASSY MCSASSERSON PRINCESS OF SASS) (2 going on 16): Bio daughter, literally princess of the house hold, only girl with 3 big brothers, owns my soul or at least thinks she does.

Foster Mis (4) (see also Bro as that is what Mister mis has decided his name is): 8 days younger than Mister Mis, about half his size, been with us for 3 weeks today

Foster Mis (2) (see also prince of sass): 4 months older than Sassy, princess of sass, exact same size with an equal sass level

LET’S BEGIN.

I get in my car to drive home today after working and call Mr. Misadventure who yells into the phone, “I CANT TALK RIGHT NOW.”

Me: “Uh, say what??” MR. M: ” Mister mis just decided he would dump the entire trash can on the floor and I am making him clean it up, THEN I have to clean him up.”

Mom brain: EXPLODES.

Y’ALL. THERE IS TRASH. ALL. OVER. MY. KITCHEN. FLOOR.

Mr. Misadventure has to leave in like 30 minutes OR LESS to go to work (He works night shift…) and in the 5 minute drive he is telling me the trash will be picked up and my son PROBABLY won’t smell of refuse.

STOP. What is your first reaction?

Do you yell at your husband and ask how the heck this child managed to get the trash out and DUMP IT ALL OVER THE FLOOR?

Do you ask to yell at your child who is screaming in the background because he has to deal with the consequences of his actions?

OR (my personal favorite) just hang up, decide to drive the car the long way (10 min vs. 5) home so that you hopefully get home and it is as if nothing as happened and all people are smiling, CLEAN, and calm as you walk in the door?

GUYS. NONE OF THOSE ARE THE BEST OPTION.

There is no “best option.”

This dad has been going on little to no sleep while each set of siblings attends a different preschool. This son has had 2 additional siblings come into his house and take parts of his mommy and daddy’s 50% attention he already gotten.

No one wins here. Its just a hard situation.

So. What did I decide to do?

Calmly breathe in and tell Mr. Misadventure, “please don’t kill him I’m coming home as fast as I can.” (Or something like that)

Hang up the phone.

PRAY.

“God. Tonight is going to be hard. I need you more than ever to walk into this battlefield with mercy and grace for all involved. Help me say or not say what you want. I need you to be the second and third and fourth set of hands for me tonight so that I can get my littles in bed and try to make sure they go to sleep with pleasant things in their little stressed out minds. I CANT DO THIS. BUT. I know you aren’t asking me to do this alone. I just really need to see your presence tonight so I don’t, you know, lose it.”

 

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. – 1 Peter 5:7

The Lord replied, “My Presence will go with you, and I will give you rest.” – Exodus 33:14

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” – John 16:33

 

Y’all. Trust me. Coming from a newly licensed foster parent, an already young mom, and a sufferer of mental health issues and a whole truckload of other issues. YOU CAN’T DO LIFE ALONE.

BUT YOU WERE NEVER SUPPOSED TO HAVE TO.

Do you think I could single-handedly get, basically, two sets of twins to bed by myself on nights my husband is working his tail off for us so we can survive??

THAT IS A NOPE. I am NOT wonder woman. First off. She is DC, and I’m a Marvel nerd. Secondly, I am not anything special.

Every special part of me is GOD. He changed me. Gave me a purpose that I am fulfilling. Have you ever had a person give you a job and not help you do it in any way? Yeah, me too. God doesn’t do that.

Take a deep breath y’all. You aren’t alone even if you think you are.

Oh, by the way. Mister? Totes still smelled like refuse. BUBBLE BATH FTW.

Don’t tell Mr. Misadventure. He did a good job “on his own.” 😉

Time out for Mommy

Currently I am lying in bed giving myself a time out.

This week I’ve struggled with being the mom and wife I want to be, by stressing and losing my temper.

I’m not sure if it’s just normal everyday stress, or if it compounded on the fact that I am never alone.

I am a total introvert. I need to be alone to gather my thoughts, to pray, to find myself again.

But it is so hard for me to take that time. I have 2 kids that need me constantly, and a husband who needs me whenever they don’t.

It’s funny, but with people around me I truly feel trapped.

I convince myself though that I don’t need that alone time. Even though people on all sides are telling me to take time for myself, I feel selfish if I’m not with my family every single second.

During my timeout, I have truly been thinking about this.


 What is more selfish? Taking one day a week or a month to regather my sanity so that I can be the mom and wife I need to be or running on empty until I’m only running on fumes?

I think it’s the latter.

I cannot be who I am meant to be unless I put more into myself and my relationship with God.

Even Jesus took time to be alone in multiple places!

Mark 1:35

Very early in the morning, while it was still dark, Jesus got up, left the house and went off to a solitary place, where he prayed

Matthew 14:23


After he had dismissed them, he went up on a mountainside by himself to pray. When evening came, he was there alone

Luke 6:12

One of those days Jesus went out to a mountainside to pray, and spent the night praying to God.


Am I better off than Jesus!? If he needed to be alone multiple times, how much more often do I need it.

This week I’m planning some quiet moments for myself. So I can just be alone with God. It may just be 5 minutes, but I’m going to be intentional about walking away when I’m overwhelmed.

Maybe, as the season of Lent approaches I will give up something I never actually take time for, my undivided attention, to God.

Luke 11:1: He was praying in a certain place, and when he ceased, one of his disciples said to him, “Lord, teach us to pray, as John taught his disciples.”

No problem!

Sweet goodness.

This has been a day to say the least.

I had all these great plans to go to target with my littlest, AJ, and pick up some more cough medicine and acetaminophen  (since we have all been sick the past 3 weeks). I was going to get myself a Starbucks with a gift card my mom had sent me. Pick up some carrots and cabbage for our rabbits we got 2 weeks ago.

It was going to be a good day! I had decided that!

Both kids had gone to bed on time the night before and I got a full 7 hours of sleep (give or take a wake up for a bladder or tummy). At 5:30 when AJ woke up I was ready to go!

Till my husband got out of the shower and proceeded to share that the shower and toilet weren’t draining.

“No problem!” I thought. I can fix it! Diy drain cleaner to the rescue!

It didn’t work.

“No problem!” I thought. We might have some real draino somewhere! What great luck! We did.

It didn’t work.

Let me try plunging.

It didn’t work.

So I caved and called a plumber. I was up front that we didn’t have much and I wanted an estimate before he wasted time on us. I told him what we had and he said “no problem!”

This poor plumber worked for HOURS. This was easily a $1,000 job. I was sure we would need to do a payment plan. I offered him everything I had. I offered soda, my apologies, and some tears when he told me our pipes need replaced.

He offered me a temp solution and said he would be back once our home warranty approved him to finish the rest.

And when he left after all these hours of work I apologized again for not having more money to give.

Do you know what he said?

“No problem.”

How often do we come to God with problems we can’t handle? For me, probably not as much as I should.

There are so many times I’m so wrapped up in what I want something  (like a day) to be. I get overwhelmed and lose control of my emotions and freak out.

Every little nuance in my plan is a big problem.

But not for God.

If we just come to him with our circumstances and feelings we might find that our God isn’t just willing to help us in the way we most need him. He might even look at the entire situation and tell you, “no problem.”

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

Jeremiah 29:11

The Den I’m in 

Let me just get this out before I back out.

I hate who I am without zoloft.

I forgot to take my zoloft last night.

For many it probably wouldn’t really affect them. They could go through their day feeling a little “off”, but I don’t have that luxury.


When I first started taking zoloft it was after the birth of my son 2 and 1/2 years ago. My OBGYN prescribed it for postpartum anxiety. I was to a point that I couldn’t let anyone hold him. I’m not talking about first time mom “Be careful with his head!” stuff. I mean I wouldn’t let my husband hold him in our driveway because I could see (envision in FULL DETAIL) my son’s head cracked open on the ground due to my husband dropping him.


They upped me to the next dose up when my body adjusted to it and I felt great!


I stopped taking it when we started trying for #2, and aside from mood swings (I was pregnant I mean) I was pretty “normal.” even at my postpartum check up I felt so normal I told the doctor maybe I was fine this time!

I was. Or I was convincing myself I was.

I wouldn’t let myself believe I could possibly need any help handling my own emotions and such.


I’m a Christian after all! There are so many beautiful verses I know about why we shouldn’t worry, why we should be joyful.


Anxiety and depression are NOT worry and sadness. And it’s hard to be joyful as your own body and mind turn your own thoughts and experiences against you in the worst possible way.


I hate who I am without zoloft.


In October of 2016, I legitimately considered ending my life.


I would never actually do it. But, the thoughts consumed me.


I was… I am sick. My brain is sick.


What mother thinks up how much breast milk she has frozen and calculates the amount she would need to pump so that when she ended her life, her 3 month old daughter would still have food?


What mother convinces herself that the little boy clinging to her all day is better of without her?


What wife looks in the mirror and tells herself she is so ugly and imperfect that her husband would be happier if she were dead and could find a real woman?


This mother. This wife. Me.


I’m so disgusted in myself. I have friends. I have people who love me. A God that has blessed me in every way imaginable. I am living an absolutely, breathtakingly, amazing life.


So why? Why would I choose to leave it all?


Because I hate who I am.


I hate my imperfections.


I hate that I can’t be absolutely everything for everyone.


I feel like I have to prove myself. To be this amazing, strong, intelligent, loving person.


The truth of the matter is I’m sick.


Mental illness is no less a sickness than cancer or diabetes. Yet, there is so much stigma when the topic comes up.


And yes, while it is a sickness, for me it is also my biggest secret and sin.


I use my sickness to hide from things that God calls me to do, just as Jonah ran from God when he called him to Nineveh.


I coddle myself in the knowledge that I have an illness, while I refuse help. 


While I tell others I’m fine, I pray they don’t see the lie behind my eyes, just like an addict telling his family he is clean when he relapsed just hours earlier.


I hate who I am without zoloft.


But with zoloft, I can see clearly again.

God has blessed me with a therapist that I never would’ve considered going to without zoloft.


God used a medication to show me that I don’t have to be stuck in the den with the lions. But even more, God used zoloft to shine the light on the fact that he has been and will be with me all along.


And even if I have to spend this night with the lions, I know that when morning comes I’ll be saved.


God is closing the mouths of the lions in my life every day.


I’m getting closer and closer to the end of this struggle. 


I doubt heavily that I will see the dawn of a morning where things like depression and anxiety are completely gone. 


They have left physical and mental scars that I will always have.


But I’m getting closer to the dawn of a day when I don’t have to hate who I am without zoloft and can love every inch of the person God made me to be.


If you struggle with mental illness, addiction, anything. God is here. God is with you. Maybe, just maybe, hearing how he showed me he never left can help show you too.


Be strong and courageous, do not be afraid. Do not be dismayed. For the Lord your God is with you WHEREVER you go.

Joshua 1:9